I sometimes wonder how long our boys have left.
A rat’s lifespan is approximately two to three years,
so I’m trying to make every day count.

During play time, while their tiny feet
make soft tapping sounds over our bathroom tiles,
I remove all context of having bought them from a pet store.

I like to think of them as wild rats
who have somehow found their way into our apartment.
The whole thing becomes more enchanting that way,
To imagine it was them who chose us.

I study their small bodies,
marvel at their existence, and wonder,
What do they hear when we call their names?

So far, the living room is off limits, but they can sense it’s there,
Pressing their noses into the small gap underneath the door,
as if to inhale more space, more life.

My girlfriend and I are scared
they might accidentally nibble on something that’s not for them,
or piss on the expensive rug when we’re not looking,

so we keep their play time confined to the hallway.

It’s not their fault I have O.C.D.
That I struggle to let go without
involving some kind of alcohol.

Some nights I’m too exhausted to take care of them.
My chronic fatigue gets the better of me, and
I find myself addicted to my phone, scrolling
through another person’s life,
a body that’s not my own.

I sometimes feel bad for not being more present when I’m with them.
I know one day the rats will be gone and I’ll be looking back
at a static image on my phone, trying to make them move.

I keep telling myself, tomorrow I’ll be brave enough to let go.
I’ll open the living room door, show the boys how the light shines
through the windows on a sunny day. I’ll point to the horizon.
I’ll let them explore our apartment as if it was theirs.
I’ll let them roam free, just like nature intended.

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Billie J Daniel is a writer and artist based in London, from a working-class background. He graduated from Central Saint Martins with a degree in Fine Art. He is currently training to be an art teacher. In his time away from writing, he likes to go birding with his partner, play board games with his friends, and analyse his favourite sport, boxing. His stories and poems explore the nature of reality, love, anxiety, and trauma, and have been published or are forthcoming in HAD, The Bulb Region, The Orange Rose Lit, Shadow and Sax, Blood + Honey Lit, and others. Discover more online: www.billiejdaniel.com and on Instagram @billiejdaniel